The Light in the Wound Read online

  “I love this. I love you. You feel so good.”

  “Issy, tell me again. Tell me you love me. That no matter what, it will be you and me forever.”

  I leaned down toward his face, my hands across his chest, and whispered in his ear, “It’s just us, Jess. Just us. I’m coming, Jess. Come with me.” And as we both fell into release, I leaned back and trailed my nails down his chest, leaving red marks to remind him of what I said and how much I meant it.

  The following week, James walked into class thirty minutes late. He was wearing sunglasses and purposely took the open seat far away from me without a word or a glance in my direction. He dropped the class shortly after that, and I didn’t see him again for the rest of the year.

  “Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,

  While loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

  —Lao Tzu.

  They say that your junior year in college is the year that defines your future. You are thick into your major classes, you should be decided on what your degree will be and you are halfway to your goal of completing your education and starting your career. Jesse was as busy as ever, having won the MVP Award for his baseball team and voted Most Popular by the University student body. He was also voted Student Council President, which was the highest honor that could be bestowed upon someone looking to go places. I knew that it would open up a host of opportunities for him in the future. But to me, he was just Jesse. He continued to call me every night and made every effort to see me after class or on weekends. Sometimes he would ask me to stay late after school, so we could spend an hour or two together before he attended his meetings. By this time, I had noticed more changes in the way that I saw myself. I had become shy and withdrawn, insecure and jealous. Evie said it was because I wasn’t allowed to do anything or wear anything remotely reminiscent of the person I was before Jesse. I still couldn’t wear any makeup, and I wore pants to school every day. No nail polish had been added to one of his rules later on during my freshman year. My sisters were adamantly against my allowing Jesse to dictate what I wore, and they encouraged me to sneak things behind his back, hoping it would help me to keep a tiny semblance of the girl that I was before I fell in love with him. The university was like its own world, but it’s not as big as you think it is when your boyfriend is the ruler of that universe. I ate lunch alone, studied in the library by myself, sat on the outside benches by myself. No one spoke to me or approached me or asked me to lunch or to join their study group. It was almost as if Jesse had warned them all off. I had been alone most of my life, so it should have been nothing new to me. But somehow, this felt different. I wasn’t as accepting of this situation as I had been when I was growing up.

  Evie and Betty were constantly going against this tide, inviting me out to other parties where Jesse wasn’t a known entity. I would promise to go with them and then back out at the last minute, whenever Jesse had free time and would give me a few minutes’ notice about meeting him or picking me up at the house. They would whine in frustration every time but never gave up on me. Jesse and I were also becoming bolder with our families by sneaking off on weekend trips to the Beach Club cottage owned by my mother or to friends’ vacation homes offered to us by Jesse’s connections at school. These times alone together were precious. With me, he was loving and attentive, fragile and vulnerable. But as soon as we arrived home and were back on campus, Jesse was a completely different person. He never gave me any reason for mistrust, so whatever I felt had to take a backseat to the relationship that we had.

  I visited my grandparents at the big house every Sunday evening, sometimes joining them for either lunch or dinner. Jesse got to meet them soon after we reunited. Nothing spectacular or out of the ordinary. As expected, they asked him about his family and his plans for the future. My grandmother was a little bit colder with him, although I think it was only because she was trying to maintain my pride for me. My grandfather spoke mostly about the business and his plans for me to work for him after graduation.

  When Jesse excused himself to go to the restroom, my grandmother turned to me and said, “Too ambitious for his own good. When will he start prioritizing you, Isabel?”

  While my grandfather responded, “I think he has great potential to be really successful in the future.”

  I smiled warmly at my grandfather who wiggled his eyebrows back at me.

  Toward the middle of the semester, my mother announced that she was taking Gracie with her and her husband to live in Canada for a few years. She wanted out of the social limelight where we lived and wanted to start a new life in another country. I was devastated. My mother and I were just building a relationship, and she was trying hard to be clean and sober for the sake of her new husband. Alicia, on the other hand, had given up her dreams of going to college after having her little boy, Christopher. My mother decided to leave the house open for both Alicia and myself. I can’t even begin to describe how I felt as I watched my mother walk away from me and on to her departure gate with her husband and Gracie in tow. Gracie kept me strong; she kept me responsible. Who would I look after now that she was gone?

  What is my purpose in life if I no longer have her to chase after?

  The day after my mother left, I was at one of the University’s variety shows where Jesse Cain was voted Campus Hunk by a committee led by cheerleaders.

  “Oh my God. What the hell. He’s not even that cute. And no one knows how weird he really is except you, Isa,” Evie blurted out as I narrated what took me by surprise while watching the variety show.

  “I share him with the whole school, Eves. And look at me. I’m frumpy and gross. I’m no longer his equal.”

  “Isabel, stop saying that. You made him who he is now. What do you mean you’re frumpy? When is the last time those long legs of yours have seen any sunlight? You’re always covering yourself up. You fed him his self-confidence and he took away yours. You’re coming to this party with me over the weekend. Even if you have to say NO to Jesse, you’re not backing out.”

  The party turned out to be a blast, lots of drinking and dancing, no aggressive flirts, and no drama. I was a paranoid wreck half the time, afraid that I might run into someone who knew Jesse. Jesse had a speaking engagement at a hotel close to our house that evening. I told him that I was going out to a movie with Evie and Betty. Since he knew both of them were in serious relationships, he actually laughed and made a joke about how his speech that evening was going to be less boring than hanging out with these women. The truth was that both Leigh and Seth were discouraged from going so we could have a girls’ night out. It was the most fun I’d had in a long time. Betty taught me how to down some tequila shots, and Evie whipped out her cigarettes for us to partake in. It had been a while since I wore something that I had specifically put together myself. Most of the time I was dressing to please Jesse. That evening, I was wearing a low-cut sleeveless red top, a blazer and skinny jeans with the navy blue Prada shoes I had stocked away in my closet long ago. I tried to hide my top with the blazer, but Evie and Betty forced me to lose it and tossed it back into the car as we hopped out. It was like the old days, especially after Alex walked in and looked exceedingly pleased to see me. His bright eyes roamed the table and perked up as they rested upon mine. He quickly circled and sat down right next to me

  “Ahhh. Here she is. The girl who stole my heart.”

  I whacked him on the shoulder. Alex and I were comfortable like that with each other.

  “Just say hi, Isa.” He laughed as he brushed his shoulder with his hand and feigned pain.

  “Hi, Isa.” I smirked as I folded my arms across the table and shifted in my seat.

  We caught up on the happenings at the Club, the people we used to hang out with and the equestrian life that I had left behind more than two years ago. I noticed Alex leaning a little bit too close to me when we were in conversation, but I chalked it up to the loud music and hearing problems and the tequila shots that had, by that time, removed all
traces of my paranoia.

  We dragged ourselves out of the party at 1:30 A.M. Alex had offered to take me home, but I took the safe route and got into the car with those two drunk nuts.

  “Betty, did you have anything to do with Alex showing up at this party?” I asked suspiciously.

  “Isabel, no need to thank me now. You can thank me later,” she announced as she leaned her head on the headrest and fell into a deep sleep.

  I walked into our house all by myself after Evie and Betty dropped me off. I reeked of liquor and cigarettes but was just too tired to take a shower. I brushed my teeth and climbed into bed, suddenly missing Jesse and wondering if he had gotten home safely after hosting the event. Later on that night, I dreamed that Jesse had climbed into bed with me. I felt his breath on the back of my neck and his front pressed against my back, as an arm reached over my waist to clutch my right breast. I sighed happily as I placed my hand on top of his, encouraging the weight of his hand against my body.

  “Shhh. Go to sleep. I’m here. I missed you so much, my Isabel.”

  I woke up to feel an arm’s weight draped across me and sat up with a jolt. Shit. I stunk of hard drinks and cigarettes. What was Jesse doing here?

  He opened his eyes and gazed at me sleepily, his eyelids heavily laden with those long and curly eyelashes. He pulled me back down and kissed my neck. I loved it when he tickled me with his nose.

  “Hi. You smell good.” Was he testing me?

  “Babe, what are you doing here? When did you come over?” I asked, as I evaded his eyes.

  “I missed you so much last night, and I knew you would be all alone at home without your mom, so I came over right after the event ended.”

  “Do your parents know that you’re here?”

  “I told them I was sleeping over at Ryan’s house.”

  “Oh, okay then.” I relaxed in his arms a little bit more.

  “How was your movie date?” he asked as he rolled on top of me and lightly pushed my hair out of my face with his fingers.

  “It was nice to be able to catch up with them.” I smiled.

  “Good. I’m glad you had fun with the girls,” he said in between kisses.

  “We did. You know, Evie, she’s really planning to marry Seth. I think they’re about to —”

  “Issy?”

  “Yes, babe?”

  “Stop talking.”

  He pushed my legs apart and buried himself inside of me.

  “Your task is not to seek love, but to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

  —Rumi

  I stood on the 8th floor and looked out from a huge window, while waiting for a thesis meeting with my professor. Topping the Econometrics exam a month ago earned me a slot as a co-writer for this thesis to be presented at the World Bank Summit three months from that day. The back of the building overlooked a very bad area of town. Slums and makeshift houses, shanties with no running water, mud and unclothed children everywhere. I was lost in thought, until a pair of big strong arms wrapped around my shoulders, as Jesse leaned his chin on top of my head.

  “What if we were so poor that we had to live in those conditions? Would you still want to be with me?” he cooed into my ear.

  “As long as I have you, Jess. I would live anywhere with you.”

  “You know we’ll get there, right? College graduation is almost a check. Then Master’s. Then a job. And then, we get married.” He spoke so matter-of-fact, as if reading out directions on a map.

  “Why does it seem like such a long time yet?” I sighed.

  “It won’t be too long, baby. Promise.” He shook his wrist and fidgeted with a brand new TAG Heuer stainless strap watch.

  “You’re finally wearing it.” I smiled.

  “Issy, it feels weird. Such an extravagant gift.”

  “Five year anniversary, Jess. That’s gotta count for something, right?” I reached my hands behind me to caress his face.

  “Yeah, but all you got from me was a homemade card with a poem in it,” he teased.

  “It means more to me than you’ll ever know. You took time to make that for me.”

  “I feel like a GQ model now, you’re kind of dressing me up from head to toe. First the Citizens jeans, then these Dr. Martens shoes, now the watch.”

  “Oh, don’t forget that Lacoste shirt you’re wearing. No, wait ... no, stop. Stop tickling me. I was just kidding!”

  Senior year. Here it was. I spent the summer before school started visiting my mother in Canada. I stayed for two months, helping out with Gracie and visiting with my old friends. It turned out that husband number four wasn’t as well-to-do as she thought, so she had to get a job to help augment her spending habit. The problem was that she worked at a jewelry store, and with all her purchases, her paychecks were either zero or negative. She was back to sleeping a lot, and Gracie was growing up with my stepfather. I was still very happy to see my mother and spent many times with her at home, just talking and reminiscing about her life. Jesse was busy running two summer immersion projects at school, playing baseball and studying for his State Board exams. We tried to talk at least once a week, but he was often rushing to go or too tired to talk.

  Alex surprised me by stopping over to see me on his way to Europe to attend a conference with his father. My mother knew his parents very well, and although he took a hotel by himself in the city, he had meals with us and hung out with my family the entire five days he was there. He also met Chris and she shared many stories of our adventures together with him. He told her I wasn’t that same person anymore. I didn’t get upset with him because, in a way, I knew that what he said was the truth. Just being away from Jesse in another country was so different. At first, I missed him so much that I felt like I couldn’t function, like I couldn’t breathe. I cried when our phone calls ended and stayed up all night fearing the worst about what he was doing back home. About a month into my stay, however, my outlook began to change. I wore what I wanted to wear, kept myself busy and no longer had the time to immerse myself in my self-pity.

  I arrived from Canada two weeks before school started to a gorgeous guy waiting at the airport gate and clutching a bouquet of flowers. My heart soared and I took in that scintillating smile as he rushed over to me and swept me off my feet. We didn’t care that people were watching. Jesse kissed me ferociously, grabbed the back of my head and leaned me against one of the pillars that separated the airport gates. A few breathless minutes later, he finally set me down and we held hands as we walked toward baggage claim.

  “You’re wearing a skirt. You look beautiful.”

  I smiled at him lovingly. I hoped he wasn’t mad about my outfit.

  “Is Bernard here?” I asked. My left arm entwined with his right while I clutched my flowers with the other hand.

  “Yup, he’s already down there picking up your luggage. How was it, Iss? How’s your mom?”

  “She’s okay, a little bit disappointed with her life right now. I think she regrets leaving.”

  “Will she be coming back then?”

  “Not sure. Who knows? Hey Jess, how was your summer? Did you get everything you needed to get done in time for the start of school?”

  “Yeah, more or less. They convinced me to run for SC President again and this time with Katrina Edwards as my running mate.”

  “Oh.”

  Katrina Edwards: tall, hot blond, former cheerleader, smart Engineering graduate, student activist.

  “I think I’m going to do it.”

  “That’s great, Jess.” What’s one more gorgeous fawning female to deal with?

  We made our way to baggage claim, only to find Bernard already packing up the car with my suitcases. “Holy cow, what did you bring back?” Jesse teased as he opened the car door for me and I slid in first. He saddled up next to me with a big smile on his face. I realized then and there how much I missed him.

  “I know, my mom bought me a few things.”

  We arrived a
t the house and stayed briefly while I gave instructions to the maids to put away my belongings. I had gotten Jess a few things, clothes mostly and some little souvenirs I picked up to show him how much I thought of him while I was away. He asked me to pack an overnight bag and informed me that he had his brother’s car for the weekend. He was taking me to a friend’s vacation home in the mountains, about an hour away from the city. The drive was nice and relaxing and I was as talkative as ever. That’s the one thing about having been with the same person for five years. He knew everything about everybody — aunts and uncles, weird family members, sisters, relatives, friends. He listened the whole time, turning to me once in a while to flash me that killer smile.

  The vacation home was a massive split-level, with glass walls overlooking the volcano and a surrounding bright blue-colored lake.

  “Who owns this house, Jess?” I asked. “It’s so beautiful here.”

  “My brother’s girlfriend’s family owns it. She offered it to me knowing that you’d be arriving home this weekend,” he answered, as we walked from the driveway into the house.

  “It was so nice of them to do this for us.”

  I was looking out the window as he put the bags down and hugged me from behind. “I missed you so much, Isabel. I didn’t know how I was going to survive without touching you for two whole months. Did you miss me as much as I missed you?” His voice was becoming urgent as he pressed against me and held me tightly.

  I turned my head to the side and gave him access to my mouth. “Oh babe, you just don’t know how much.”

  “How much, Iss? Tell me. I want to watch while you show me how much you missed me.”

  He unbuttoned my blouse and lifted my bra up to expose my breasts. He angled us so that we could see our reflections through the glass in the middle of the clear blue lake. He lifted my skirt up, took my hand and slipped it inside my panties. “Let me watch you, Iss. Make yourself come for me. I’ve thought about you doing this while we were apart. Did you? Did you do this?” he hissed.