The Light in the Wound Read online

  “Issy, do you look like that every time you come here? Your shirt lifts up with every little move you make.”

  Before I could even answer him, his lips were on me, crushing me, bruising me.

  “You’re going to leave me someday, Issy, I know it,” he mumbled onto my lips.

  “What are you talking about? Why are you being like this?” I could never be afraid of Jesse. I loved him for his intensity.

  “If you drive me this crazy, can you imagine what you do to the others?” He panted.

  “Others who? Jess?”

  I was breathless and could hardly get a word out. Jesse was always forceful and passionate, but this time it felt like he was blaming me for something.

  He tugged at the button of my britches, tore at the zipper and pulled my pants down as far down as they could go. He then stepped in between my legs and wrapped them around his waist.

  “Don’t take your boots off,” he said as he pulled his pants down and drove himself into me. “Isabel, you’re mine, right? Tell me you’re mine. Tell me you’ll never leave me. I can’t give you all this. I am afraid that even if I spent my whole life trying, I could never give you what you’re used to having.”

  “I’m yours. Only yours. I don’t care about anything else! I only love you. You’re all I need.”

  “What do you do when you’re here with them every day? They look at you. They want you. Do you tell them that you’re mine?”

  He pumped harder and harder, rocking me back and forth, lifting me up and crashing me down on him. He leaned his head on my shoulder and bit me. Two pain points. Two pleasure points. I was confused.

  He shuddered violently and caressed my face when it was all over. I clung to him as he emptied himself inside of me.

  “Issy, I can’t take you being here like this when I’m not around. Can you help me out with this? Maybe take a little break from this until I’m more comfortable with it?” he muttered.

  “Jess, I promise I won’t tie my shirt up anymore. I’ll wear normal loose-fitting clothes over my britches if that’s what’s bothering you,” I answered, still trying to make sense of what he meant.

  “No, it’s more than that. I don’t think I can take knowing that everyone is watching you compete.”

  I never showed up for the regionals. I backed out of the competition altogether. I wanted to prove to Jesse that these were merely small spaces in me that he could easily fill. I cried for two weeks after we sold Pepe to a little girl who had big dreams of training for the Olympics. I couldn’t compare Jesse to a pet, an animal. No one ever wanted me like Jesse did. I would give up anything and everything to be with him.

  Our senior year of high school came and went, with Jesse and I trying to spend as much time together as we could. I had no other activities now, so I would spend my time waiting for him to let me know what the plans were for the upcoming weekends. My mother and I were as close as we had ever been. Our roles had shifted and I was the one hellbent on taking care of her. She was fragile and sensitive and hurt and angry all the time. Her boyfriend worked long hours and never seemed to be able to give her the attention that she needed. It remained a known fact that she was heavily medicated on her prescription pills, but when she was lucid, she seemed like a normal person.

  Jesse spent many hours over at our home and became part of our family. Everything with Jesse was a plan, a goal, and I was happy to assume that I would be a part of the end prize, no matter what it was. He was awarded the baseball scholarship he tried out for and was going to attend a local university in the city. I applied to a few colleges and decided to become an Economics major. There was nothing that I wanted more than to go to the same school as him.

  Evie was seriously dating someone much older than her named Seth. He was a professional dancer and not exactly someone my family wanted to see her end up with. Alicia was in a relationship with a guy who was in the same class as Jesse. We sometimes triple dated, but even that was quite a rarity. The guys were just such different characters that my sisters and I never really wanted to force the issue of getting them all together. Alicia was also very secretive and went over to Carter’s house quite often. No one wanted to stay at our house more than necessary, because of the volatile situation we were all tiptoeing around between my mother and her boyfriend.

  Alicia continued to be an honor student and was set to graduate Magna Cum Laude at our high school. She also applied at the same school that Jesse was accepted to for a different specialty in the same Engineering field. Whereas my grades were average, I didn’t really try that hard and spent more time writing poems and letters to Jesse than taking my studies seriously.

  One month before graduation, Jesse and I were sitting in the living room watching a rerun of Beverly Hills 90210. Jesse had practically moved in during the week that my mother had taken off on a shopping junket to Hong Kong with her friends. Alicia showed up unexpectedly, her eyes bleary and swollen as she walked silently toward us, looking at me with a pained stare that never left my gaze.

  “Isa, when is Mom arriving? Do we have a way of reaching her in Hong Kong?” she asked. Her voice was hoarse and she was obviously very nervous.

  “Nope. She arrives tonight, though. What’s up, Ali?”

  Alicia reached into her jeans pocket, pulled out a pink slip of paper, her hands shaking as she passed it to me.

  Weird. It was a little strip folded up in sixteenths. I slowly unfurled it. It contained one single word written in blue ink:

  POSITIVE

  My protective instinct kicked in full blast. Jesse and I were immediately on our feet surrounding her, holding her.

  “Ali, don’t cry. It’s okay. We’ll help you figure out what to do,” I said with so much confidence that it made me sob.

  Jesse was rubbing her back, glancing at me from time to time.

  “Isa, please help me talk to Mom. I want to keep the baby. Carter said he’d support whatever my decision is.”

  “Of course, Ali, we’ll do everything we can to help take care of this baby.”

  Jesse nodded at me, his expressive eyes filled with worry.

  I excused myself for a moment and calmly walked upstairs to my bedroom. As soon as I closed the door, I sat at the edge of my bed and cried. I didn’t cry for Alicia, but for myself. More than anything, I wished that it were me. I was filled with jealousy at the thought of Alicia having something of Carter forever. I wished that I were having Jesse’s baby instead.

  “Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

  —L. Frank Baum

  That evening, my mother walked in from the airport as Ali and I sat in the living room to wait for her. Alicia paced back and forth as we heard the car enter the driveway. She walked in looking rested and refreshed.

  “Mom, we have to tell you something,” I started out, with Alicia squeezing my hand so tightly I thought it was going to fall off due to lack of circulation. “Alicia is pregnant.”

  “Who? You, Isabel? You’re pregnant?”

  “No, Mom. Alicia is.”

  “Isabel, you?”

  “NO, MOM! NOT Isabel!!! I am. I am pregnant!” Alicia stepped in front of me and held on to my mother’s shoulders, shaking them slightly. This time she had no tears and was determined to show my mother that she had it all figured out. I wasn’t even listening to their conversation. I was incensed by the fact that my mother’s mind was programmed to think I would be the one to make that mistake.

  Trying to prove everyone wrong is getting to be an impossible task for me. I’ve been stereotyped, even by the person whose past has doomed me to my future. It hurt me so much to realize that she, too, had very low expectations of me.

  Claudia Holtzer could not stop saying that she was too young to be a grandmother. In all seriousness, however, my mother turned into the most supportive ally that Alicia could have ever imagined. Two weeks after my mother got the news, two men showed up at Carter’s doorstep at 3:00 A.M. They then went to pick up Alicia and
both were whisked to a judge’s home where they were married. My mother set up their living quarters in our home. Carter was going to continue to go to school while Alicia was going to have the baby and enroll in university one year later.

  This event had such the opposite effect on Jesse. Two words to describe him were: Freaked. Out.

  “Issy, we have to be super careful now. What happened to Alicia can’t happen to us. I have so many plans for our future. I can’t be sidetracked by this, okay? You’re well protected, right?”

  Betty and I were both seeing an older cousin of hers, who despite his reluctance to supply us with our prescriptions, thought it his responsibility as a doctor to keep us safe rather than sorry.

  “Don’t worry about it, Jesse. If you want, we can even abstain for all I care.”

  I was hurt and insulted. We actually did abstain for a few weeks. Jesse found many inventive and creative ways to make sure that we were both fulfilled without actually having sexual intercourse. It took a brilliantly orchestrated plan on my part to get him to lose himself one night and for us to get back to normal. By this time, I knew how Jesse’s mind and heart worked and the stars magically aligned for me one night at a party we attended. It involved being relentlessly pursued by a boy from another school who wouldn’t leave my side. All I had to do was ignore Jesse’s fuming looks as the night wore on. As soon as Jesse saw what was happening, he quickly took me home, re-staked his claim and made me promise that I was his, and only his, forever.

  When I think back to the past, I don’t have an answer as to why I felt so brazen about our physical relationship.

  The next few days and months flew by in a blur. College acceptance letters started coming in the mail, and Alicia and Jesse both got accepted to the schools of their choice. I, on the other hand, had applied to four schools and was accepted to all of them except the one that Jesse was going to be attending. I was devastated and worried about what that would do to our relationship. I guess it was mainly because by this time, I didn’t really have much of an existence outside of him. I called my mother from school the day we received the results.

  “Mom! I didn’t get in!” I cried to her on the phone. She knew what I was referring to because I had told her all about my four choices of schools.

  “Isabel, calm down. It’s okay. I’m surprised about that, but let me make a few phone calls and I’ll take care of it,” she assured me.

  “No, Mom, there’s no point. I guess I’ll just attend my second choice. I’m just calling because I needed someone to talk to.”

  Thirty minutes later, my mother met me at the door as soon as I walked into the house.

  “Isabel, it’s been arranged. You need to see Dean Reyes tomorrow at the College of Economics. You’re in,” she said arrogantly.

  “Huh? What, Mom? How did that happen?” I asked, still not understanding what she had done to pull this off.

  “Isa, you forget. Your grandfather is a big contributor to that school. He holds the Economics chair in that department. There was a misunderstanding. You should have gotten accepted.”

  Points for Claudia Holtzer, the best mother in the world. I couldn’t wait to tell Jesse that we would be going to the same school. Together.

  High school graduation came and went. I didn’t really participate in my school’s festivities since I hardly had any friends there. Instead, I attended Betty and Jesse’s events with their respective family members. I was so happy to be a part of their celebrations that I didn’t really miss not attending mine. Jesse kept my graduation picture in his wallet and gushed about how beautiful I looked every time he had a chance. Our summer was filled with trips to the beach on hot sunny days, nights out with his friends and preparations for Alicia’s baby. Betty and I spoke every day on the phone and saw each other at least once every weekend. She was getting very serious with Leigh, and Alex was still a comfortable friend running around in the same social circles. My mother’s focus was now on both Gracie and the baby and her relationship troubles seemed to take a backseat, at least for a few months.

  First day of school. Wow, the university was huge. Bernard, our chauffeur dropped me off at the front entrance. I missed Alicia so much. We were supposed to experience this together. I told Jesse I would meet him later in the evening, after we attended our classes. At that time, it was just my books and me. And my new outfit. As I walked through the enclosed walkway, I could see tons of freshmen students sitting on the side benches, people watching, jeering at the girls, making conversation. I recognized a few familiar faces from our respective schools but didn’t stop to speak to anyone. It was a bit of a hike over to the Liberal Arts building and I was going to be in a block class for the first year. I liked the idea of making friends and moving from class to class with a set group of people, kind of like a homeroom type of deal. This was the university’s way of helping new students to transition into a larger environment. Most of the high schools in the country were private schools with a limited number of enrollees. Sure, the private school kids would always gravitate toward each other, but being in these surroundings would expose us to students from all walks of life.

  Room LA432 was where I was to spend my first year of college. I walked in to find that most of the seats had already been taken. As I stood by the doorway, I heard someone say, “Miss, excuse me, miss, you can take this seat beside me.” Hmm . Cute guy. Tall and skinny, blond hair.

  “No, miss, sit here.” Another guy pulled out the chair next to him and gestured for me to come and sit down. Oh gosh. Everyone was looking at me now, those steely dagger eyes from the girls in the room.

  “I’ll sit here, thank you,” I declared rather uncomfortably, as I found the desk closest to the door.

  “Oh, hey. You’re Jesse Cain’s girlfriend, aren’t you?” A girl with fiery red hair turned around to face me.

  “Um yes, I’m Isabel Amarra. Nice to meet you. You are?”

  “I’m Terry. I was on the Student Council of my school. Worked with Jesse a lot last year. He’s something else. You are so lucky.”

  “Yes, I am. Thank you.”

  The homeroom teacher walked in, introduced himself and had everyone else introduce themselves as well. It was a fun day as we received our various syllabi and got to do some group work together. I made some new friends, some really sweet guys who remain my closest friends to this day. The girls weren’t too friendly toward me at first, but I was sure they would warm up to me in time.

  After our classes were over, I was supposed to meet Jesse by one of the stone benches underneath a row of trees by the gym. I pretended to read my notes over and over again because he was thirty minutes late. Bernard, our family’s chauffeur was waiting outside to take me home. My irritation quickly dissipated as soon as I saw my Prince Charming strutting toward me. Oh, with an entire entourage of people. Girls and guys.

  “Hi Issy. Sorry, I got stuck in a Student Council orientation.” He took my hand and all was right with the world. He had this scorching look on his face, as he eyed me from head to toe, and his eyes rested on the top that I was wearing. It was a fitted top with buttons down the front cinched with a wide belt, a mini skirt and finished off with a pair of Chanel ballet slippers. “Guys, this is my girlfriend, Isabel.”

  “Isabel, these are the members of our school party — Ryan, Karen, Ray, Marnie and Bob.”

  “Hi everyone, so nice to meet you all.”

  Jesse gently pulled me up and led me in front of them. “We’re gonna run. See you tomorrow.”

  We walked arm in arm toward Bernard, who was waiting right outside the school gate for me. Jesse held me a little bit too tightly, but I liked it. I wasn’t going to complain.

  Jesse’s house was about 20 minutes away from our school, while mine was farther into the center of the city, about 45 minutes away. I asked Bernard to swing by his house so I could drop him off.

  As soon as we were settled in the backseat, Jesse was all over me, nuzzling my neck, stroking my hair, pulling at my
earlobes with his lips.

  “Issy, you look so good. So pretty. You wore this for me, right?” He grabbed my breast and fondled it through my blouse. I nodded my head absentmindedly, warmth radiating throughout my body. I missed him so much.

  “Oh wait, hey, are you wearing makeup too?”

  “You like it? Evie took me to this new store yesterday and I thought you’d like this color.”

  “Well, it’s nice. But ... I like you better without it. And since you only wear this for me, I’m telling you that you don’t have to wear any to school, okay?” His hands traveled up from my knee to my thigh as he said this, the vibration of his voice on my neck. “And this skirt. Way too short, Issy. No one should be able to see these legs but me.”

  “What are you saying Jess?”

  “What I’m saying is please, Issy, no makeup, fitted blouses or short skirts to school. Okay? Only with me. Only when we’re alone.” He tightened his grip on me.

  “Sure. But I just want to look good for you.”

  “You look perfect to me. You don’t have to do this for anyone else,” he whispered in my ear.

  Jesse took my hand and placed it on his jeans, beckoning me to pull his zipper down. The satisfied look on his face assured me that I was able to appease him by the time Bernard stopped in front of his house.

  “If all you can do is crawl, start crawling.”

  —Rumi

  Alicia gave birth to a healthy baby girl during my freshman year at college. We named her Chelsea and she brought the happiest, most radiant abundance of sunshine into our home that year. I was constantly pushing Alicia and Carter out the door for every opportunity to babysit this wonderful new member of our family. Gracie was already six at that time and she played the role of little, big sister to a hilt. It was heartwarming to watch her relationship with the baby. Meanwhile, my mother was undergoing another breakdown in her relationship. It looked like Mr. Glass had decided to go back to his wife and family. I walked into the house one late night, after attending a party with Jesse, to find my mother sprawled out on the floor right outside her bedroom door. Mr. Glass had locked her out of their room because she had threatened him with a knife. My mother was begging and crying, pleading for him to let her back in. I knocked on Alicia’s door and asked her for some help in getting Mom to my bed. As we both guided her slowly down the hall and away from her bedroom, she muttered to us that she had swallowed the whole bottle of Seconal. Instead of continuing to my bedroom, we were calling for the ambulance.