In This Life Read online

  “Where are they now? What happened to them?” I asked.

  He shrugged his shoulders. “No one knows. They say that the mother and child were lost at sea and the father and son have left the village.”

  A broken family. Just like mine. My mood turned quickly. Was today the day of the surgery? Why hadn’t I heard from my father? Did he relay my message to her?

  “Oh. I would be afraid to stay in a house marked by tragedy,” I said sadly.

  He placed his paper cup on the floor and leaned back against the wall. I worried that the floor was too uneven to hold the cup upright for very long and so I kept my eye on it while he spoke.

  “On the contrary, I feel their peace in this house. I can’t explain it, but I sense many happy times here.”

  “Don’t you live in the same house that I do?” I asked.

  Jude swatted his hand at the mosquitoes encircling the top of our heads. “I do. I go over there to take a shower and eat sometimes. But I like to stay here after a day in the village. It helps me to decompress. I like to revel in the quiet, remind myself of the beauty of the world despite all this ugliness.”

  “I know what you mean. Three days ago, we had to help try to resuscitate a baby who had just stopped breathing. He was so thin, I was afraid he would break into little pieces when I held him.” I paused. The memory of that little boy would forever be in my mind.

  He nodded his head in understanding. And then he caught me by surprise.

  “Do you do that every night? Get high like that?”

  “No.” I set my sights on the blueness in front of me. Sea and sky. Different shades, unequal depths. If I looked far enough, I could see the clouds bobbing up and down like balloons floating in the water.

  “It’s been two nights in a row.” He wasn’t going to give it up.

  “Issues,” I snapped back. I didn’t feel defensive, just irritated; if he wanted to get to the bottom of it, we would. “I was mad at my mom for something. Really angry and confused. And then I found out that she’s sick, which in a screwed up way pisses me off even more. I thought I could use the time here to get away from it all and do some good at the same time. You know, focus my energies on something else.”

  “Interesting. You leave your problems behind at home only to come to a place with bigger problems.” The glint in his eyes remained full of kindness. He wasn’t judging, he was making me think things through in my head.

  “I can make a difference here. There’s nothing I can do about the problems at home.”

  “But the people who love you, who you love, need you there. You’re pouring out your efforts on strangers. Charity starts at home, they say.”

  I didn’t bother to come up with a response. In another time, I would have lashed out, but his honesty was refreshing. He was a complete stranger to me, and already he had successfully started to chip away at the barrier.

  “Who are you?” I asked, my tone quiet and almost somber. I fidgeted with the paper cup, trying my best to avoid looking at him.

  “Sorry, I don’t mean to be so off-putting. I don’t know why but I just have this feeling that I can tell you anything and you’ll take it all in stride,” he answered sheepishly, his hand instinctively brushing over his thick black hair.

  “Then talk to me. Who are you? And is your name really Jude? Do you have another name?” I lightened my tone and nudged him with my elbow.

  “Ah.” He laughed. “Jude Patrick.”

  “Hmm. Okay, let’s see.” I scrunched up my nose. “Patrick isn’t any better, I’m afraid. I think I’m just going to call you by your last name.”

  “Okay, Blue.”

  I did a double take to make sure I heard him correctly. “In case you didn’t notice, I have red hair, not blue.”

  “That’s what they call redheads in Australia. They call them Blueys. That was what popped into my head the day I saw you at the house.”

  “And you know this term because?” I asked sarcastically.

  “I lived there for a year.”

  “Oh.” I began to twist the tip of my hair between my fingers. “Well, this hair does tend to stand out in a crowd.” I consciously smoothed it down, feeling very unattractive all of a sudden. I accidentally brushed over the bun, causing my hair to cascade down over my shoulders.

  He had this uncanny way of reading my mind, of providing me with assurances just by looking at me in silence. He reached his arm out and brushed his fingers against my face. “You’re everything I imagined you would be. Fiery, strong. Sexy. The ultimate temptation.” There was a shift in his mood. It had turned from thoughtful to playful.

  I laughed sarcastically to mask my embarrassment. “All this in the ten seconds that you’ve spent with me?”

  “I’ve been watching you for a while. It took you a few days to find me, but I knew you would eventually,” he said with smiling eyes.

  All right then, here we go. It was time to walk away from this awkward situation. I was uncomfortable, not because of what he was saying, but because if I didn’t leave, this guy was going to make me want to do things I should never do in broad daylight, and in half a house that was exposed to the sky and sea. Whether in the dark or in the sunshine, his lips were still the only things that I could see.

  “Hey, what time is it?” I sat on my knees in an effort to rise up and leave. “I was planning to make it to 9:30 mass.” I wanted to find some quiet time to think about my mother. The past two days had given me some space to work things out in my head. Was it something he said to me? Somehow I was ready to revisit my feelings about her. I was willing to begin the process of healing. Charity starts at home.

  “It’s only eight o’clock,” Jude said with a heavy sigh and tightly pressed lips before glancing at his phone and placing it back down behind him on the floor.

  “Perfect! I can run home and jump in the shower before then. Hey,” I addressed him with genuine gratitude on my face, “thank you for allowing me to stay here last night. Maybe I’ll see you around again soon. At least in Monday’s class.”

  “Anna—”

  “I’ll see you around.” I stood up and walked across the hard, prickly floor towards the exit.

  I FORCED MY eyes open and reached for the watch on the night table. After a long nap filled with forgettable dreams, it was nearly ten o’clock in the evening and I was wide awake. How was I ever going to adjust to this jetlag? I figured I might as well join the others. Sometimes they were obnoxious, but it was still better than being alone with my thoughts. I pulled my shorts on to go out to the beach and find the rest of the gang.

  The house was eerily quiet. The light in the kitchen was on, but the rest of the house was dark. I passed on another night on the beach and opted to take a quick rest instead. I quickly wandered down the hall towards the front door.

  “Did you have a good nap?”

  I stopped dead in my tracks at the sound of Jude’s voice.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to spook you,” he said.

  “You have to stop popping up out of nowhere.” I laughed as I turned around to face him.

  He smiled timidly, hands in his pockets and shoulders touching his ears. His eyes shone in the dark like smoldering coal. “Sorry.”

  “What are you still doing here?” I asked, feeling shy all of a sudden.

  “I had to do some reading so I decided to stay in. Where are you heading?” And when I didn’t answer: “Do you mind if I tag along?”

  “I’m going to find Dante. You’re welcome to come with me,” I said, starting to walk towards the door.

  He followed right behind and then ended up by my side. No one was at the beach by the time we arrived. We walked further in silence until the stilt house came into view.

  “Hey, I’ve got a few beers in there, do you want to hang out for a while?” His voice cracked. Once again, his movements seemed restrained.

  “Sure. I’m not drinking tonight, though.”

  He took my hand, helping me climb the rickety st
eps, and led me towards the open area of the hut. He let go just as I bent down to sit right at the edge of the floor, my feet dangling and almost touching the water.

  “This is so beautiful.” I looked up to admire the large speckled moon, hovering close enough for me to touch. Not every situation with him should be this intense. “Look! We can see everything underneath the water,” I said, trying to make light of the moment.

  I wasn’t sure if he’d heard me. He was at the other end of the house with his hands in the cooler. “Water okay with you?” he asked.

  “Yes, thank you,” I answered, taking the water from him. In his other hand was a bottle of local brew. He took a seat next to me and sank his feet in between the swirling fish. We sat quietly, our eyes fixed on the view before us.

  He broke the silence after downing a big gulp of his beer. “Don’t freak out, but I think there’s a spider on the side of your thigh.”

  “Where?” I jerked my feet out of the water.

  He pointed at the pink mark, careful to avoid contact with my skin.

  “Oh!” I laughed. “That’s a birthmark.”

  “Oh, God. I’m so sorry,” he said, flustered. He forced out a cough and cleared his throat as we allowed a moment of silence to pass between us. “So, have you and Leola ever… you know, gotten together?”

  “What? No! Me and him? No! He’s my best friend, we’re not involved.” This wasn’t the first time someone had asked about us, and this wasn’t the first time I reacted this way—incredulous.

  “Seriously, he’s the best friend anyone could ever have. He’s great,” I added.

  Jude remained silent and nodded his head, although I could tell his mind was elsewhere.

  I was curious about him, too. “Enough about me, what about you?” I asked. Technically speaking, I had spent the night with this guy and hardly knew anything about him.

  He placed the bottle of beer on the uneven floor and leaned back on his hands while skimming his feet across the surface of the water. “My family is from New York, Westchester County specifically, and I’m the oldest of seven children.”

  “Wow, that’s a lot! How many boys and how many girls?”

  “Two boys and four girls,” he answered. “My sister, Katie, is married with one baby. Mary is nineteen, Peg and Joe are fifteen, Erin is eleven, and Max is eight. My parents have been married for twenty-seven years. We’re a pretty normal family.”

  “I’ve always wanted to have another sister. Mikey is great, but the age difference between us is just too wide.”

  “Yeah, they’re all right,” he said. “They give me heartburn sometimes, especially Katie. She’s so outspoken that it drives me crazy. But we take care of each other.”

  “I thought we were a normal family too,” I said, “until my mom decided to go mid-life on us.”

  “What does going mid-life mean?” he looked confused. A breeze rushed by and whipped my hair across my face. He watched as I battled with the breeze to keep it from flapping back and forth.

  “Well, one day she woke up and decided to cheat on my dad,” I muttered.

  “There must have been something going on in her life or in her marriage. Sometimes it’s a cry for help. A need for change.” He said this so matter-of-factly that it actually sounded convincing.

  “Where’d you go to school?” I asked.

  “NYU. Philo major. And you?”

  “Oh my gosh, me too! I went to NYU! Bio.” I tried to cover up my squeak.

  “I heard that you were the hotshot that got into med school,” he teased. “I mean, John Hopkins med school, not just any other school.”

  “I think I got lucky,” I said humbly. There was a price to pay for that. It was called loneliness. The vicious cycle of becoming so focused on your goals that you don’t have time for anything else, and not having anyone else so you end up focused on your goals.

  “I’ve always been amazed at how doctors can remember every single part of the body, how they can remember all those medical terms,” he said. “Does it come naturally to you? Memorizing stuff? Taking tests?”

  “I guess. So how about you, what’s in your future?”

  “I’m going for a Masters in Theology in the fall.”

  “Hmm. Interesting. Is it the humanities side of this that interests you?”

  He nodded his head. “I’ve always been fascinated by the human psyche and the role that religion plays versus the influences of society. I assume we practice the same religion since we met at a catechism class, so how religious are you?” he asked.

  “Unfortunately, baptism is the extent of my experience with Catholicism. My mom is a staunch churchgoer but she never really required us to follow in her footsteps.” I paused to entertain an afterthought. “But I’m not a murderer nor am I an adulterer, and I want to devote my medical skills to helping the less fortunate. So I guess some of the altruism instilled by her faith has rubbed off on me.”

  He sat closer to me, our elbows rubbing. “It’s our faith, not just hers,” he emphasized. “I think it’s all quite relative. I’ve always believed that there are limitless choices we can make to live a life of service. There is no better way or worse way of finding purpose in our lives.”

  “Okay, now you’re getting too deep for me.” I laughed. “I’m here to unwind. No soul searching or anything like that on this trip.”

  “You’re absolutely right! Sorry! Let’s talk about lighter things. Like, are you sure you and Leola don’t have anything going on?”

  “Why are we going there again?” I said, laughing.

  “I don’t know,” he responded. “Maybe because whoever it is that has your heart is a very lucky man?”

  I wasn’t sure if he was flirting with me. There was a breathless energy around us, a frisson brought about by heightened senses and beaming faces.

  “I haven’t given my heart away yet. Who’s got time to deal with all that?” I lifted myself off the floor and began to roam around the house. A tattered brown leather case next to a crate of clothes immediately caught my eye. “Wait… is this a—” I exclaimed, lifting the case up and unlocking the rusty latch that held it closed. “Yes! A backgammon set! Get ready, I’m challenging you to one game before I leave.”

  “HOW’D YOUR DAY go?” Jude asked as we sat on a small sandy hill a few feet away from the beach.

  “It was fine. I think I’m getting used to the heat because I don’t feel as exhausted anymore.”

  The backgammon challenge the night before had ended up being seven games instead of one. By the time Jude walked me back to the house, it was past two o’clock in the morning.

  I spent part of my day at the free medical clinic in the neighboring town. A baby girl suffering from malnutrition was brought in, and the hopelessness in her parents’ eyes still bothered me hours later. I imagined the same wretchedness in my father’s eyes when my mother announced she was leaving. Nothing to fight for, as if he had seen it coming. Some pictures embed themselves in your head for as long as you live. Those images stayed with me.

  I couldn’t wait to see Jude again. What was this now? Our third date? Already I had opened up to him more than I would have done in ordinary circumstances. Anything to get my mind off the turbulence that was going on at home.

  “Where are your friends tonight?”

  “Not sure. I stopped by the house to change and came right here to meet you.” I twisted my foot to shake off a hermit crab that had crawled its way between my toes.

  I watched as he played with a piece of wood, tracing its edge in the sand. The sea was calm. It called to me, invited me to seek release, wash away my confusion. It was difficult to fathom the great loss of human life here only one year ago. What kind of rage could emerge so suddenly, damage everything in its path, when all I’ve seen of this sea is its serenity, its tranquility? What happened to make it so angry at the world?

  I stood up and started running towards the shore.

  “Where are you going?” he shouted.
r />   “Out for a swim!” I said as I pulled my shirt over my head. I had no qualms about undressing. I felt no shame about my looks, my body, or myself. I never thought I was beautiful, but I always embraced who I was. I didn’t have a workout routine. I was a runner and the benefits that running afforded me—tight calves, firm backside, toned arms—were a result and not the goal. The truth was that I had never done anything like that before either. Being with Jude just made me feel that much more uninhibited.

  And heck! I’d made out with a French guy, slept in a stranger’s hut, walked in on Dante having sex. Why not add skinny dipping to this trip’s most memorable moments?

  “Wait! Blue! What are you doing?” he yelled, following behind me.

  I didn’t look back as I peeled off my bra and hopped around the sand to slip my shorts off my legs. I was in nothing but my underwear as I ran into the warm ocean, the soft, compact sand under my feet. I submerged under the water then flipped over on my back to float peacefully across its surface. I closed my eyes and thought of my family. I pictured my father, lost and alone, my mother’s newfound identity, and my baby brother’s future. I was reminded of how they all depended on me to hold them together. My heart raced, and the stress of what was waiting for me at home began to overwhelm me. But a few seconds later, there he was, reaching out to grab me by my waist, holding me steadfast against the current. His eyes were fixed on my breasts, their tops exposed above the line of the water.

  Shirtless and bare, his thick black hair slicked back, I fought the urge to touch his beautiful face. I was chest deep in the water while he was unveiled and revealed for my eyes only. We stood directly in front of each other with the force of the waves lapping against us, trying to push us together. He took one step towards me while gently taking my face in his hands. I closed my eyes to feel his touch against my skin.

  “What am I going to do with you, Anna?” he asked in a hushed tone, his nose almost touching mine.

  The roar of an approaching wave wasn’t loud enough to distract us from this moment. Before we knew it, we were separated, tumbling and pushed roughly against the sand on the shore. I sat up after I hit the ground. I had already taken in a large amount of seawater. I hacked and choked, trying to get some air.