In This Life Read online

  “Dancing in the rain without me, are you now?” I teased, controlling the urge to run to her and sweep her in my arms.

  “There’s nothing to dance about when I’m not with you,” she answered as she slowly walked towards me, stopping short as we came face to face.

  “Well, I’m here now. And the heavens would be devastated if we didn’t accept their invitation to dance,” I said as she stepped into my arms. We stood outside in the open air, drenched by the rush of the storm, my arms enveloped around her body, slowly, gently, swaying to the music in our hearts.

  “Sing to me the song in your head right now,” I whispered in her ear. She stood on her toes and hummed the words of the sweetest song I had ever heard.

  It’s a rush

  I can’t explain

  Like you shot something crazy

  Into my veins

  And I’m ten feet

  Off the ground

  And I don’t want

  To come down

  And when it was over, she looked at me with so much tenderness that I wanted to cry. I needed to claim her, to be with her. We both knew that it was time to get out of the rain. She took my hand and drew me inside, the droplets of water making light pinging sounds on the wooden floor.

  I reached for the towel that hung by the couch and gently wrapped her hair in it. She was shivering from the cold of her wet clothes. Leave it to me to improvise. I ran to the bed and unfolded the two kissing swans before helping her slip out of her shirt.

  “Here,” I said as I draped a towel over her shoulder. “Let’s get you dried up.” She slipped out of her shorts and underwear, leaving them in a sodden heap on the floor. But instead of wrapping the former swans around her, she allowed them to drop to the ground, her body still wet and dewy from the rain.

  And so there she stood, completely naked before me.

  She was Botticelli’s Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty, born of the sea foam with long flowing red hair. She was my strength and my weakness, my courage and my fear, my grace and my sin.

  “I’m done running away from you,” she said as the tears started to roll down her cheeks.

  I didn’t wait for her to say another word. I held her in my arms and kissed her. I tried to brush my lips against hers, tried to stay modest and gentle, but she pressed herself against me and took me in her hands. Slowly, she stepped backwards until she was able to sit down on the bed. I towered above her as she urged me to remove my shirt and proceeded to pull down my shorts. Before I knew it, I was laying on my back, rose petals all around me, while she played with me, using her mouth, her hands, her breasts. And then she rose up and lowered herself on me until I filled her to the hilt. I thrust upwards, making sure to keep up with the rhythm that seemed to drive her crazy.

  “That night at the hotel after the fight, I was jealous that you were wearing that sexy night gown, that you had planned to wear it without knowing you would be seeing me. Who were you going to wear it for?” I grabbed her by the hips and slammed her down on me.

  “Jude!” she screamed.

  “Tell me,” I groaned. “How do I make you forget him? How do I erase him from your memory?”

  “Jude.” Her eyes were closed, and my mouth was on her, pulling, biting, nipping.

  I took control by raising her up and gently placing her on her back without breaking our connection. I lifted her arms up above her head and held them down.

  “Open your eyes, Blue. Watch me give myself to you.”

  I pushed inside of her; I wanted to see how much of me she could take. And so I pumped in and out, while my lips remained on hers, muffling her words, stifling her sounds.

  “Yeah. Is that too much, Blue? Is that too much?”

  “No! No! Jude! That was Maggie’s! I had ratty pajamas and I wanted to look nice for you! There’s no one else. Please! It was always you!”

  “Tell me. Tell me you love me,” I commanded, the intensity of my thrusts still keeping the same pace.

  “I love you! I love you, Jude. I’m so close. I’m so—”

  And then the waves took us over, sweeping us both into oblivion. She had drained me of everything I had, and in turn, I gave until I had nothing left.

  Everything I had ever owned was hers.

  Rest, my beautiful goddess, our battle has been won. You have slain the dragon of envy and tonight we sleep in peace.

  “THIS IS SO COOL.” She smiled as we walked along the beach on the way to visit a temple that was located right by the waterfront. It occupied a large area of land adjacent to the shore, which made it difficult for other developments to infringe on this unspoiled stretch of sand.

  “How are you feeling today? Are you sore?” We pledged our love for each other over and over again last night in every single part of the villa.

  “No, not really. Just my wrists,” she said, laughing. “Leave it to me to pollute a former seminarian.”

  She was referring to the little bit of role playing that we had done the night before.

  “Hey, we’re people too. Besides, I’m just a normal man now. A man who loves to be polluted by the woman he’s crazy about.” I drew her behind the crooked coconut tree and pressed myself against her without regard for the backdrop of holiness. There was no denying what I wanted to do right then.

  “Here?” She gasped as I gripped her backside with my greedy hands.

  “Here,” I growled.

  “Shame on you, Grayson. Today is a day for reflection.” She rebuked me affectionately by shaking her head and steering us away from the covered grove of trees.

  We fell silent as we approached the temple. The sound of chanting and praying flowed out of the open halls. It was tinier than most temples, set in the middle of the beach amidst tall grass and trees. Its strong white columns were decorated with golden leaves, and its multiple-tiered roof was intricately molded and carved. The inner walls of the temple were covered in paintings that depicted the life of Buddha, and there were eight seated monks dressed in orange robes directly facing the cloister. Large yellow candles on golden trays surrounded the four walls of the structure.

  Anna and I stood by the doorway, hypnotized by the peaceful vision of the monks in their meditative state. We allowed the time to pass in silence, allowing the stillness to transport us to a place of peace and serenity. We were cloaked in the warmth of the breeze and in the grand design of the universe where man was one with nature and nature was one with a higher power. No matter your faith, I truly believe that there is a plan that’s written in the stars and each one of us is merely a part of that constellation.

  A few minutes later, I motioned for her to follow me outside. We took our places on a wooden bench facing the dock and sat side by side holding hands.

  “In a few days, we’ll be back in the States,” I said. “I thought we could talk about what’s next for us.”

  “Well, I go back to work.” She smiled. “And I guess you’ll be going back to Yonkers.”

  “Yeah, and don’t forget that we both return to the dead of winter.” I just had to throw it out there. “February 24th is when I go back to speak to my superiors.”

  “That’s in two weeks,” she said gloomily. “I’m going to try to reach Dante right when I arrive home. I had a couple of missed calls from him the other day. I tried to call him back but reception at the resort is horrible.”

  “Thank God for poor reception.” I laughed.

  She shook her head at me and kept on. “Mikey has a few days off at the end of the month, and I was thinking of taking a trip down to see my dad. They say that he’ll be ready to start transitioning out of rehab in March sometime.” Her fine, delicate thumbs lovingly skimmed the top of my wrist.

  “And until then? Are you still on four day shifts?” I asked, my thoughts sidetracked by a pair of monks slowly approaching us.

  “Pretty much,” she answered. “I have to make up for this time off. I might take on double shifts until I get caught up.” She looked at me with worry in her
eyes. I wasn’t sure whether they were caused by the monks or something else.

  “Are you waiting for me, Blue? Will you wait? I’ll submit my resignation as soon as I get back so that we can start our life together.”

  “Yes,” she responded. “Of course I’ll wait.”

  I rested her palm flat on the side of my face and kissed it.

  “Mr. Grayson?” an elderly monk addressed me respectfully.

  “Yes?”

  “We have what you asked for. Please follow us,” he instructed.

  Anna’s eyes searched mine despite allowing me to take her hand. The men brought us to an open area in the middle of the temple grounds. The bright green grass began where the soft yellow sand ended, surrounded on either side by lush, thick flowering bushes filled with butterflies and birds. In the center of the garden were two flattened pieces of rice paper that revealed a bamboo frame when lifted up by one of the monks.

  “Oh my,” Anna whispered to me. “What are they?” Her eyes grew wide with curiosity; she looked like a child on Christmas day.

  The other monk, a younger man close to our age spoke up. “These are sky lanterns. We call them Khom Fai. There is a tradition in our country in which these lanterns are released into the sky during certain festivals. It is considered good luck. It symbolizes the floating away of all your worries and cares.” He proceeded to light the candle in the interior of the lantern, causing it to expand like a balloon. Well, a pear-shaped balloon. These lanterns were rather large, about two feet high and one foot in diameter.

  Anna laughed nervously, unashamed of the fact that she couldn’t wait to hold one in her hands. The older monk asked me to clamp one end of the lanterns down with him, and the younger one motioned for Anna to do the same. The rice paper was fine and slippery. We held them with the pinched tips of our fingers, lightly but firmly, lest they fly away. We stood apart, our arms outstretched, four hands on each one while the wind threatened to tear them out of our grasp.

  The older monk began to speak with his eyes closed. “Place all your worries and fears into these lanterns and trust them to the heavens. Cast them away and never look back. Let them go, leave them be. Today, your hearts and souls will be set free.”

  “Anna,” I called out to her, “I’ll go first and then you go next.” I closed my eyes and announced loud enough for her to hear, “I embrace this love, my new life, my new vocation. I am no longer afraid to stand up for my truth.”

  The monk lifted his arms up together with mine, and we loosened our fingers until the wind carried the lantern away.

  “I will no longer live my life in regret. I embrace this love, this man, and our future.” The intensity of the moment filled our eyes with happy tears. The monks bowed their heads in reverence and readied themselves to leave. “Wait!” she shrieked excitedly. “Sir, please, would you take our picture?” She lovingly brushed her fingers on the golden charm that hung from her neck. “This is the happiest day of my life!”

  THE REST OF the afternoon couldn’t have been more perfect. Anna and I relaxed at Naiharn beach, on a secluded stretch of land that was only known to the locals in the area. I guess Delmar and his insider tips were good for something after all. We arrived back at the villa just as the sun was getting ready to skim its way across the golden sky. Sunset happened right as we got to the front door of our unit.

  “Gray! Wait, let’s watch the sun from here before we go back in,” she said.

  “No,” I joked. “We have to go in so I can ravish you before dinner.”

  “Hmm.” She stood on her toes and kissed me.

  I kissed her back with no intention of easing my hold on her and spun her around so that she was facing the sky. “Here, you look at the sunset while I continue to do this,” I whispered as I wrapped myself around her and kissed her like my life depended on it. I pulled her backwards, guiding her with my arms and making sure that I didn’t trip her with my big feet, and we slowly stepped into the living room.

  “Anna.” We pulled apart in an instant to find Maggie sitting demurely on the couch, an overnight bag sitting neatly on the floor next to her feet.

  “Mags! Hi! What a nice surprise!” She ran towards her friend with outstretched arms.

  Silence. Not a word from Maggie as her eyes avoided Anna’s.

  Both women stopped short of touching and Anna’s look turned to one of horror. She snapped her head towards me then quickly covered her mouth in a distinct gasp. “Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s Mikey! What happened to Mikey?”

  I started to make my way towards her but she placed both hands up to stop me from moving forward.

  “Anna, it’s not him. Mikey is fine.” Maggie’s voice shook, she kept wringing her hands over and over again.

  “Is it my dad?” Anna asked, distressed and afraid. “Did he have a relapse?” She dug her heels in and stayed rooted to the very same spot.

  Maggie shook her head and reluctantly forced out her words. “It’s Dante.”

  A sigh of relief escaped from her lips. “Dante? He’s in Germany on business. Is he here? Did he come back?” She bounced around the living room to see whether Maggie had brought anyone else with her. She couldn’t stay still, her shoulders moved up and down repeatedly.

  “Anna. Please sit,” Maggie begged with tears in her eyes.

  “No, I’m okay. Tell me. Is Dante here?” She crossed her arms tightly over her chest. Her hands were shaking; her strong and stable surgeon’s hands quivered in perfect accord with the rhythm of her words.

  “He was on the way here, to see you.”

  “Well, he’s not here yet.” She shot me a look of confusion, her mouth gaping open. “Did you know? Did he tell you he was coming?”

  I shook my head vigorously, defensively. “No, I had no i—”

  She glared at me, her eyes narrowing, her lips pressed tight. And then she turned to Maggie. “Where is he, Maggie?”

  I ran across the room towards her, but she once again held up her hands and ordered me to back away.

  “Spark. Please listen to me!” she sobbed. “There was—” She took a deep breath and then spewed the words out so rapidly that they disappeared into thin air. “A plane crash. In the Khao mountains about 200 miles from here. No survivors.”

  Anna lost her balance and fell on the floor. “No.” She swatted her hand in the air. Once, twice, before bringing both hands to her face. “No!”

  “Spark,” Maggie said, “I’m so sorry.”

  She let out a laugh. Sinister, hostile almost. “What’s Dante doing on a plane? What are you talking about? This isn’t funny, Maggie!”

  As Maggie attempted to step forward, Anna backed away. Maggie’s voice shook, tears began to stream down her face. “Two days ago, he called to tell me that he was coming after you. Said he left you a message, asking you to wait for him.”

  Anna squeezed her eyes shut and clawed at her cheeks. “What? What the fuck are you talking about?!” she screamed at the top of her lungs. “Will somebody please tell me what in God’s fucking name we are talking about?!”

  “Blue,” I said as I rushed towards her. She tried to fight me off, but I held her down and covered her with my body. She sat on the floor and started to sob uncontrollably before letting out a bloodcurdling wail. It was piercing, penetrating. I would have died for her if only to take away her pain.

  She pointed a finger towards the air as if telling us all to give her a minute. “No, wait. Wait, wait. No. This isn’t making sense. Just, just. No, wait. I don’t want to—”

  Maggie quickened her pace and knelt down in front of Anna. “Veronica called me. She told me the news. His family has flown out here, they’re staying at a hotel closer to the crash site.”

  “No!” she insisted through her sobs. “That’s impossible! He’s been in Germany!”

  Her mind had kicked into utmost denial; it simply couldn’t fathom this news. The strength of my embrace did nothing to mitigate the violent trembling of her body.

  Maggie
addressed her quietly. She changed her tone, approaching Anna like a child, and it seemed to work better. “Sparky, listen to me, okay? Just absorb it all, and if you have questions, I’ll try to answer them as best as I can.”

  Anna nodded her head while her body took in shallow, jagged breaths, her tears continuing to pour down her cheeks.

  “It wasn’t planned. He decided to come here to talk you into going back with him. He said that he was stupid not to fight for you. That he would make you see how good you were for each other.” Maggie had to stop for a brief moment as Anna’s howls reached a deafening crescendo. “It was all over the evening news, Spark. When they confirmed that there were no survivors, it became a recovery mission and not a rescue mission. Yes, he was in Germany for almost two months.”

  And here’s where I lost her. Or she lost herself.

  She flew up on her feet with a force so strong that she knocked both me and Maggie on our behinds. She stood up, straight and tall, articulating her words through her sobs.

  “He’s a survivor, Maggie! Why the hell would they give up on finding him? He’s alive! I know he is, I know he’s somewhere just waiting for them to find him! He’s out there somewhere! They need to find him!”

  Maggie remained silent.

  “What?! Answer me, dammit! What?”

  “He’s gone!” Maggie began to cry. “Anna, please! Please listen to me. We have to go home and wait for word. I’m here to take you home!”

  She hugged herself with her arms and rocked back and forth. “I have to go. I have to go. I have to go,” she chanted over and over again. “Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go. Where’s my suitcase? Let’s go, let’s go. Maggie, I’m asking you to help me get ready. Let’s go.” She heaved a deep breath and vomited onto the floor. I stood up and ran to the bathroom to retrieve some paper towels, covering the soiled ground and hastening back towards her.